—– Original Message —–
From: M
To: T
Sent:
Subject: What’s this?

T

What’s all this stuff you’ve been telling R about me?

You were over at the office on Wednesday night to fix a problem we spent over 90 minutes on over the phone and MSN. I had no reason to be there because I had worked almost 9 hours without solving it.

You took 5 days to pick up the RAID card, left it to me to pick up, but you were on to R immediately that night or the next morning to tell her I didn’t turn up at 6:30pm? That was uncharacteristically quick of you.

Are you trying to get me fired? I work damn hard every day just to have you backstab me at the first opportunity and then claim you are not malicious. What a joke!

M

So there is a way to get out of a job you hate and still get paid for it. This plan is even better if you have another job. Also, you must make the email seem like you are going to violently crush this person in your bare hands next time you see them, or they won’t get the emotional disturbance you need to make them want to instantly eliminate you. You can’t force them but you can sure make it hellishly tempting for them to forget contracts and laws and go for their own protection and sanctity from you, or what they perceive that to be, because they don’t know you and don’t actually know you are not the person in the aggressive email.

If your contract states that Notice to Leave of 7 or 14 days is required, you can usually get that for free. State Laws and employers also have a Code Of Conduct which states that if you commit a serious breach of that code (usually just theft, fraud or assault) you will be terminated without notice (i.e. summary or immediate dismissal without 14 days payment).

Here’s what you do:

1) Think of the weakest employee in your organisation in terms of your ability to verbally abuse them and kind of pull it off as an authentic comeback or retaliation. Make notes of what they do against you, when and words and actions taken.

2) When your contract is three months in, often the trial period is over and you are then legally entitled under contract law to receive 14 days notice instead of 7. Make sure this clause exists in your contract.

3) When you get 14 days (i.e. after 3 months work), write a vicious and attacking email to that colleague over something they did – usually a complaint they made about you, tardiness in completing work, mistakes etc. Make it a violent and powerful character assassination but use no threats or obscenities. Keep to work-related matters. It helps if you have complained about them before or you have any kind of tension between you on record. It also helps if you tone down your personality before this email, so the contrast is great. Also, write the email from home in your own time using your own PC.

4) At this point, 95/100 employers will forget the contractual terms and focus on protecting their long-term employee from abuse. They will call you to tell you of your immediate dismissal without notice on the grounds of a serious breach of the Code Of Conduct, as they are threatened and shocked and cannot deduce exactly what you are doing.

5) During your termination call, say you are supposed to give 14 days notice or payment in lieu thereof. They will ignore that in their fear and tell you to leave immediately. Take all your belongings and get out. Demand the money via email, emphasising the illegality of their actions. Get a lawyer to write a letter to them asking why they did not give notice under the terms of the contract (this saves you having to do a lot of legwork if they pay at that point). Whatever happens, you will get your money. This works better where you are on high casual contract rates.